Where the hell is the carousel?

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I feel like the last 2 years of my life I have been on a roller coaster and I’m desperately seeking a carousel.

It’s funny that I’m trying to find some consistency in life to cling to, but the only constant is change.

I have had a ton of change with divorce, selling my house , the ups and downs of dating, changes at work and several other challenges. Life keeps hitting me with more twist and turns.

I know that I would quickly be bored on a carousel of consistency in all aspects of life, but there are some areas I feel I need it. I’m realizing the carousel I need is knowing myself and what I can expect from how I treat myself and how I allow others to treat me.

Life is a roller coaster there is no way to predict the ups, downs, twist and turns in life. All you can do is buckle up, hold on and follow the track.

XOXO,

Cecee

Dating…it’s so silly

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Recently one of my sweet sorority sisters has been sharing the terrors of online dating via her IG story. While it is entertaining and her commentary is the best I can’t help thinking how online dating is such a joke. Yes, I know people find their true loves this way, but this takes a lot of time and energy to do so.

I know we laugh at the Bachelor franchise when the comments of he/she is not here for the right reasons, but most on the dating apps are in that same group.

Then when you do find someone online or anywhere for that matter, who seems like a normal person and could have potential you have to overcome baggage.

Baggage can come in many forms. Mine is the divorce and feeling like I failed at marriage/ relationship.

Getting back in the dating world I’ve been so reserved in showing who I truly am for fear that I will run others off. I have over analyzed every interaction hoping I didn’t come across a certain way.

My fear has created insecurities that I have not had before and ones I thought I had overcome. Sharing my thoughts and feelings has not come easy.

Some baggage is so heavy that the person is jaded. When you become jaded the likelihood that you are ready for a relationship is slim regardless of what you say. Mindset is key here as the person needs to let go of past anger and heartbreak to allow others in. Assuming everyone is going to hurt you is not fair and shows how emotionally unavailable you are.

In relationships you take on some of your significant other’s baggage. Taking on baggage does not mean you have to let it weigh you down. One can be supportive and understanding without taking on all the stress, it’s all about mindset and boundaries.

To my friends out there balancing the dating world and those in a relationship I have a few thoughts based on my experiences.

1. Accept the impact of past relationships, but do not dwell. Take the lessons and grow from the experience.

2. Know change is constant and you need self reflection. You need self reflection to be the best you can be for yourself and your partner.

3. Set your boundaries and communicate them. Setting expectations on how you can be supportive, areas that are challenging for you as well as several other aspects will help prevent frustration.

Good luck and keep discovering who you are. Find someone who pushes you to be the best you can be and will be there to catch you when you fall.

XOXO,

Cecee

Photo Credit: Rachel

Adulting is HARD

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This past week was beyond rough! They say bad things happen in 3’s and I really hope I’m good for a while on the bad. To some of you who have been adulting longer some of my lessons you probably know and are laughing at me, but for others you’re welcome.

The week started with of with getting my washer repaired after last week the guy at Home Depot giving me adjustments over the phone didn’t work. I kept thinking I am going to end up on a radio station as that crazy girl since the guy told me to turn the dial 6 times to the left, now 3 to the right, 2 to the left and now you have to slam the lid 6 times within 12 seconds… and GO! Well, that didn’t work so let’s try it again. When it still didn’t work they sent a technician out on Monday to take a look. Apparently all that silliness worked to reset the sensors, but what I wasn’t prepared for is when the technician asked me when is that last time you washed the washing machine? I laughed and said excuse me ? Is that really a thing and if so never? He informed me these newer washers should be washed once a month with an Aafresh pod and not to do another load until I washed it. Who knew?! I polled a few of my friends and they didn’t know either.  Lesson for those of you who don’t know, if you have a newer washer you must wash it to prevent clogs and tripping of sensors. 

Tuesday at 2 AM Pippa woke me up to go out, which sadly she’s been doing a lot. Well, this time she started barking and of course my yelling for her didn’t stop her from going after whatever she was chasing so I had to go get a flash light. She was running really funny at an angle and chomping weird like she had something in her mouth and thought great she’s caught something again (she has caught and killed a squirrel in the yard). When I get to her to see what she has she collapsed and started having a seizure. I didn’t have my phone to time it so I just started counting and trying to let her know I was there and as soon as it stopped I saw blood in the snow with no idea where it was coming from so I wrapped her in a towel and off to the pet hospital. This is the 2nd seizure she has had and the first occurred in October 2017. The blood was coming from her paws as she cut and bruised herself while paddling in the rocks she collapsed in, which was easy to treat. At this point the only way to determine if it is epilepsy is to rule out if there is an infection or cancer in her brain and you do that with an MRI. The estimated cost is around $2,000 and all it would be doing is giving me information. Going forward I have to monitor the seizures and time them and if the frequency and severity increase then I will look at medication. My lesson pets are expensive and I love Pippa with all my heart, but knowing when to say no to the expenses and hope for the best is tough. 

Wednesday at 2:30 AM I wake up to sharp stomach pains and end up throwing up until 5:30 AM and sleeping on the bathroom floor. I have chills, body aches , nausea and a fever of 101.8. I spent most of the day in bed and thinking I would die. Thank goodness one of my best friends is a doctor and called me to let me know what I should do and when I should try to get into a doctor. I had been trying to sweat out my fever with a heated blanket on high and tons of layers, but that wasn’t working. Lesson learned always have Tylenol on hand as it is the best to reduce a fever and keep some Gatorade on hand for hydration and nausea. 

Not the most ideal way to drop weight, but hey I’ll take the 4lbs down!

Thursday my fever was finally broke, but I still had no energy and was so tired. I slept most of the day and around 8pm finally was feeling better and decided I needed to wash my bedding and get the germs out of the house. The Aafresh pods arrived from Amazon so I washed the washer and was ready to do a load of laundry so I did. While in the other room I suddenly hear a bubbling sound and run to the laundry room to find it flooded and water coming up out of the drain in the floor. At this point I am concerned of freezing temps to come and pipes freezing. I clean up the mess, then get under the crawl space to see if I see any leaks happening and I don’t. I then take a snake to the drain which didn’t seem to do anything so my last option is calling a plumber. I get added to list for a call back the next day. As you can imagine after being in bed for 2 days this was a lot of energy exhorted and I no longer felt good so it was back to bed. Lesson here I am glad that I had a snake to try to unclog the drain myself and that my dad had taught me these lessons already. 

Friday was waiting around for a plumber that I didn’t hear from until I got frustrated and called another service who responded and was to my house within an hour. For those of you not in Indy we had TERRIBLE weather of ice and snow on Friday so the fact of me calling at 4:15 and they arrived at my house at 5 was impressive beyond measure! If you need a plumber in the Indy area I would recommend Howald as they were fantastic.  I am grateful that Austin, the technician that came out tried other methods to check for the clog vs immediately using bigger equipment, which would have added $200 to the bill! All was good and no clog and thinks perhaps the fact my washer wasn’t used for a while or the suds from the aafresh pod could have created extra foam for the drain to bubble out more, but nothing was wrong. Lesson there is supposed to be some water in that drain and I really have no worry of the drain actually freezing. Also next time I wash my washer I am not going to immediately do a load of laundry.  I now have a preferred plumber to call. 

Adulting lesson that I feel like would make life easier is keeping a list of preferred contractors with their phone numbers handy as well as any warranty numbers and dates of warranty expiration.

This week was rough, but my weekend was very productive!

Time to finish meal prep for the week, which will be the topic of my next post.

Have a great week!

XOXO,

Cecee

 

Well… 2017 was interesting

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Looking back on 2017 I have a variety of happy and not so happy memories. This year for me has been a year of struggle. I know that I have created some happy memories this year, but overall 2017 was painful. Through struggle one will grow.  I know the many lessons and the pain is for a reason, but only time will tell what that reason is.

The  highlights of 2017 are as follows:

Celebrating my 29th birthday with a group of friends on a brew bus! Since it was my last 20’s birthday I wanted to do it up big and Mike so graciously planned it so that I could.

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Valentine’s Galentine at Cake Bake Shop

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Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with Stacy

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Mike and I traveled back to RVA for Parnie’s baby shower and visited other friends as well as hosted my family for Easter.

Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays to host. This year Easter was heartbreaking and eye opening, which you would never know with these smiles.

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May in Indianapolis is all about preparing for the fun of the Indy 500.  Memorial Day weekend is full of parties and gathering with friends! Can you tell in this picture of Mike and I that we were on a break and that day was the first day interacting in a week?

June kicked off summer with festivals, a wedding, and lots of golf. Can you tell that we actually want different futures?

July, the summer fun continues with more festivals, pool parties, and traveling. Mike and I were in the process of evaluating the future of our relationship.

Then August arrived, and with all the fun activities that occurred you would never know my future as I saw it was shattered. Literally the day before this pool party we accepted that divorce was our future. We agreed we would continue with upcoming plans that were set before announcing.

I spent most of August in bed crying or trying not to cry while living a lie, but I looked so happy.

September I finally started to feel a little relief as we slowly started to face reality and let people know. We waited to tell my family until one more fun Labor Day pool party and after that I finally told my parents. I’m really close to my family. That time was horrible to suffer alone and I felt horrible to keep a life changing event from them, but I respected our agreement to wait on announcing.

This was the last photo of our little family and during this photo our family was already living separate lives. There is always more than meets the eye, but my eyes here show the impacts of many tears during previous weeks.

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Once we started to let people know I started to occupy my time more with my friends. September was fun with friends! I did a fall craft and facial night, traveled a lot for work, celebrated the taping of Bier Brewery’s pumpkin ale, enjoyed the Indianapolis Children’s Museum for the first time, celebrated Elizabeth’s 30th , explored my hometown with a friend and enjoyed the last of summer either at my pool or on the golf course.

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I knew in October I would need to do something outside my norm as taking over the mortgage and filing all the paperwork for divorce was overwhelmingly emotional. I planned a trip with my friend Kate to New England area. Read more about that trip on my blog post Who’s That Girl.

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November was eye-opening of what being a solo homeowner entails.  Funny how when your partner is no longer there you realize the help they provided. Cleaning up all the leaves and the assistance provided in hosting was missed, but other friends stepped up or I hired people to help.  November also consisted of Pippa having more play dates with Scout, hosting Friendsgiving and I continued the tradition of helping my dad get firewood in for the winter.

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December is full swing holiday season. I usually get really excited to decorate for Christmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. This year my cousin had to push me along to take down my fall decor and put up some Christmas decor. I never put up my outside lights and this year only 1 tree out of my traditional 3 made it up. Getting in the Christmas spirit was a challenge and never fully happened.

As more and more family found out and I know their words and hugs were all full of love and support, I couldn’t help feeling like a wounded animal that everyone felt sorry for. I did greatly appreciate all the invites during the season from my family and friends to help me stay distracted. I know over time the holidays alone will probably get easier, but this year Single All the Way was not fun. Here is a recap of some fun in December.

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As I have shared, social media can be very false as people typically only share the happy moments. Once I told people about the divorce I heard often that you looked so happy on social media and they had no idea we were struggling. Everyone has a battle that they do not highlight. Their life may appear perfect via social media, but there is always more than meets the eye.

I have mourned the death of my marriage and my dream for my future. The new year of 2018 was supposed to be going on a grand vacation to Australia and New Zealand as well as a cruise with friends to celebrate our 30th birthdays then trying to start a family. Clearly different plans for my future as life didn’t go as I planned. My plan was flawed and changed for a reason.

I do not know what to expect of 2018 and the year of my 30th birthday, but I do know I am ready to kiss 2017 goodbye!

Goodbye 2017 and Mrs. Fisher, hello again Cecee Emmons… time to be selfish!

XOXO,

Cecee