dating

Dating…it’s so silly

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Recently one of my sweet sorority sisters has been sharing the terrors of online dating via her IG story. While it is entertaining and her commentary is the best I can’t help thinking how online dating is such a joke. Yes, I know people find their true loves this way, but this takes a lot of time and energy to do so.

I know we laugh at the Bachelor franchise when the comments of he/she is not here for the right reasons, but most on the dating apps are in that same group.

Then when you do find someone online or anywhere for that matter, who seems like a normal person and could have potential you have to overcome baggage.

Baggage can come in many forms. Mine is the divorce and feeling like I failed at marriage/ relationship.

Getting back in the dating world I’ve been so reserved in showing who I truly am for fear that I will run others off. I have over analyzed every interaction hoping I didn’t come across a certain way.

My fear has created insecurities that I have not had before and ones I thought I had overcome. Sharing my thoughts and feelings has not come easy.

Some baggage is so heavy that the person is jaded. When you become jaded the likelihood that you are ready for a relationship is slim regardless of what you say. Mindset is key here as the person needs to let go of past anger and heartbreak to allow others in. Assuming everyone is going to hurt you is not fair and shows how emotionally unavailable you are.

In relationships you take on some of your significant other’s baggage. Taking on baggage does not mean you have to let it weigh you down. One can be supportive and understanding without taking on all the stress, it’s all about mindset and boundaries.

To my friends out there balancing the dating world and those in a relationship I have a few thoughts based on my experiences.

1. Accept the impact of past relationships, but do not dwell. Take the lessons and grow from the experience.

2. Know change is constant and you need self reflection. You need self reflection to be the best you can be for yourself and your partner.

3. Set your boundaries and communicate them. Setting expectations on how you can be supportive, areas that are challenging for you as well as several other aspects will help prevent frustration.

Good luck and keep discovering who you are. Find someone who pushes you to be the best you can be and will be there to catch you when you fall.

XOXO,

Cecee

Photo Credit: Rachel

Stranger Danger 

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At what point are you no longer strangers? In talking to several friends who are either in the online dating world or have met their significant other online it is always interesting to hear how they have handled initial interactions with people.

Some have shared they have a rule of thumb of chatting for 2 weeks via apps, text, phone calls or FaceTime before meeting the person and based on the interaction will allow to their home.

I am a person who has watched entirely too many episodes of Criminal Minds and Law and Order SVU. Trusting a stranger to pick me up at my house, specifically just knowing where I lived was not ok with me. Anytime I would go on a first date I would only meet at a public space.

In addition to meeting at a public space I was overly cautious and sending certain friends a photo of the guy I was meeting, facts I knew about him and sharing my location on my iPhone with them. I would let them know when I would arrive and give them a time to check in on me if they haven’t heard from me. I know to some this may seem over the top cautious, but I would much rather be safe.

I would only trust a person to my home if I had multiple interactions and felt safe or if I had mutual friends with the person. Sadly some interactions in public were creepy.  I was even  worried for them to see my car. I may have been over the top about dating safety, but too many people are not cautious enough.

Dating can be a lot of fun, but remember to be mindful of safety and trust your gut!

XOXO,

Cecee

 

Dating Game

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I am sure by now you have heard the term ghosting, but do you know about breadcrumbing, cushioning, and love bombing?

I first learned of these terms when I saw this article 5 Signs That He’s Just Not That Into You . I feel like the actions have always been around and now with online dating the terms are just being changed or some actually defined. For example, breadcrumbing I would say is leading someone on and cushioning is having someone on the back burner. I have no experience with love bombing, so you can read the description on it in the link above.

In my short time back in the dating game I had said I didn’t want to intentionally ghost anyone as I felt it is disrespectful. Sadly I now realize that I didn’t ghost, but I did do some breadcrumbing. I was guilty of replying and never fully committing to any plans as it was easier to leave the door open. Breadcrumbing can also lead to cushioning in having the foot in the door until someone better comes along or in case the current person is no longer a fit.

The world of swiping makes both breadcrumbing and cushioning easy to do since there are so many options. Dating Apps are exhausting and time consuming.  I got to the point of having a note typed up with typical bio info, fun facts and standard questions that I could copy and paste into messages.  I did this to be efficient as I don’t like duplicate work and I am terrible at remembering who I tell what to. Ask my friends and family, they get stories on repeat as I can’t remember if I told them or not. This tactic is efficient, but not personal nor fair.

In dating it is so easy to get your hopes up and overanalyze every conversation and situation. Over Analyzing will drive you crazy and most likely make you insecure, I know the impact. The important thing to remember is to take someone at face value vs trying to read between the lines. Every personality is different and some are harder to read than others, which is why reading the person shouldn’t be occurring.  If you feel safe around the person and you enjoy each others company over time the key qualities will reveal themselves.  These characteristics will determine if there is a level of comfort that exist or can develop with that person. To determine comfort both people have to be themselves versus the perception they want to present.

Fully opening up and being yourself in front of a stranger is scary since you have to be so vulnerable. The dating game struggle is deciding at what point is it safe to show those vulnerabilities to fully get to know someone and let them know you? If someone wants to spend time with you they will make an effort to plan time together and if they want to get to know you they will ask questions along with sharing aspects of their life.

Dating is hard, fun and scary all at the same time. We date to meet new people and hopefully find a partner in life, at least that should be the ultimate goal. Those out there trying to date please know that ghosting is disrespectful and breadcrumbing/ cushioning can be very hurtful. I understand how it can happen so easily as I have done the same thing, but transparency goes a long way! I’ve taken a hiatus from the dating app game, but going forward will be aware and not play the games mentioned above.

Date respectfully!

XOXO,

Cecee

From We to Me to Swiping

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Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day I thought sharing about the crazy dating world was fitting. So dating apps… Tinder, Bumble, Hinge etc did not exist the last time I was single,  practically 7years ago 😳 . Dating apps have changed the dating game and it is mind-boggling!

I know there are people out there who have found their soulmates on these types of apps, but based on my experiences so far those people must be so patient.

If you ever had those thoughts of wondering what you missed out on with the dating apps or you are looking to live through your single friends, here are a few stories as to why it is mind-boggling!

The moves of guys on these apps are in extremes of unsolicited dick pics to let’s be exclusive after a week of texting ! Seriously why do you need to respond with a dick pic and the message “think you can handle it” to my question hi! How are you? Oh so you’re literally just a dick haha. 🙈

I do appreciate the ones that respond to the hi! How are you question with “look I’m just here to hook up so if you aren’t into that go ahead and unmatch”. Done, unmatched! I definitely did not indicate DTF on my profile anywhere.

I’m not looking to jump into my next relationship either! One guy after a week of texting and 1 meeting wanted to be exclusive and only invest in me if I could commit on the spot to seeing it working long term.  You do not know someone enough in a week to decide, it takes time! For me to decide I want to see someone more than just a first date is surprising and rare in this swiping world.

Another guy expected responses immediately and if no reply within the hour would send multiple question marks or say Cecee,  hello? … This is a recipe to be unmatched quickly.

Hiding behind these apps people tend to be more bold and interesting than they are in person. You can carefully orchestrate a response when behind a screen, but the truth of being compatible is in the face to face interactions.

I did have one date that after meeting him I quickly had bad vibes and feel like he would easily take advantage of someone. This is why dating safety and public spaces is key. I will have another blog post about dating safety.

I know you have heard the term of ghosting, but more common problems I have faced are breadcrumbing and cushioning.  This topic deserves its own blog post, which will follow.

I have been told about the dating game and friends have tried to give me advice on how to play the game. The truth of the matter is I hate that it is a game and I tend to live by my own rules. The hardest part about dating is blocking out the noise, listening to yourself and being vulnerable.

I will enjoy Valenwine with a Galentine tomorrow and wishing everyone else a Happy Valentine’s Day!

XOXO,

Cecee